Positively Connecting with Children

How we communicate with children profoundly affects all aspects of their development. Learning to communicate -- to listen and respond with empathy -- is critical to parenting.
Verbal communication, the words we use to describe our thoughts, feelings and ideas, comes from the left side of our brain.  The nonverbal part of communication-- tone of voice, gestures, posture, facial expression, and eye movement -- comes from the brain’s right side. Usually the nonverbal communication, the right hemisphere, provides the emotional connection and understanding.

Focusing on all aspects of communication, especially the nonverbal, requires that we be fully present, listening and observing. Too often we have problems listening to our children because we are preoccupied with our own thoughts and feelings. That does not mean that we will be available all the time.  But most of the time, we will try. When we do focus on feelings, thoughts, and perceptions of others and ourselves, it allows us to look beyond surface behaviors to deeper levels of understanding. 

Right Approach

Understanding of feelings is at the core of empathic communication. Even though we may not fully understand what someone says or does, we can acknowledge the feelings underlying the communication. For example, fourteen-year-old Amanda comes home from school in a bad mood, stating she “hates” her science teacher and that she has too many “dumb” assignments. Resisting the urge to lecture, Amanda’s mother responds to the underlying feelings, “Sounds like it was a tough day and you have lots of work.” This approach works.
After slamming down her books, Amanda says, “I’ve got tons of work to do!” And she soon sits down and starts the homework.

Amanda’s mother might have taken the approval/disapproval approach, “It’s not the teacher’s fault.  Maybe you should have done some of this work….” This approach rarely works.

Feelings VS. Behavior

While feelings are always okay, behaviors may or may not be acceptable. It is crucial to understand the difference between feelings and actions. The two-year-old gets angry and hits. The three-year-old sees a ball in the street and runs to get it. The four-year-old wants some candy and cries.
When four-year-old Jacob hits his two-year-old brother, you accept his feelings of anger but do not approve of his actions. “If you’re angry at Jimmy, tell him why you’re angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”   The message the child needs to hear is:  What you feel is understandable. What you did was inappropriate.”

Positively connecting with children involves accepting feelings, recognizing underlying wishes and fears, and acknowledging ideas. This often requires “decoding” their messages. Although challenging, it is how we learn to understand children and build their sense of emotional well being.

Guest writers are Phyllis Stien, Mental Health Consultant/Child and Family Therapist,  co- author, of “Psychological Trauma and the Developing Brain” and Kay Kurz, Middle School Teacher.
 Photos: Fran Darling fdarling fotos 

More Ideas and Activities....See the authors’ book “Learning Through the Seasons” at area bookstores and grandparentsteachtoo.org. For more help to prepare young children for success in school see the authors’ web site: www.grandparentsteachtoo.org. Also check our audio Podcasts WNMU Radio 90; Youtube video activities; and join us on Pinterest