Kids Respond to Love Languages

Parenting Is Not For the Faint of Heart

 Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is tough, exhausting, and rewarding especially after following the advice in Drs. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell’s book “The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively.” They write about all the ways we can express and receive love so children will understand and be reassured they are loved.

   Although each child is a distinct individual with a distinct personality, children respond to five primary love languages.  The key according to Drs. Chapman and Campbell is finding the best way each child expresses and understands love and then communicating our love in that primary language often. We can express our love in other ways, but there is one primary language an individual understands best. Drs. Chapman and Campbell’s five love languages are affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. They explain how to find the best language and then how to express and solve many problems by using it.

Primary Love Language

What Are Outward Signs of Love?

  What is the most important love language of each child? Their book guides the reader through the process of discovery. We can carefully observe which outward signs of love are most effective. For example, one child might love the verbal praise in front of others for good grades. Another might appreciate big hugs more.  A third child might like money or quality time more.  Parents can carefully observe how children react and use their easy guide.  After all, parents want to reach children and let them know they are precious and loved. We want them to grow into giving, loving, and responsible adults.

Two Love Languages

  Let’s look at acts of service and quality time. Some children express and receive love when they give and receive help. When children are infants, parents constantly help children do things they cannot do for themselves.  As they enter new stages love is expressed, we think, by teaching them how to do things for themselves. For some children, though, helping them is a primary love language. These children feel they are loved when parents help them with homework or sit close to them while they do homework. They feel loved when parents help them learn to throw a ball or draw.

Is Your Child Worthy of Your Undivided Attention?

  Very close to that is the child whose primary love language is undivided personal quality time, so difficult when there is more than one child in the family. This can be the cause major sibling rivalry. Parents can schedule personal quality time like individual conversations, one parent- one child activities or errands.  The activity is not important. The child needs to know that he is worthy of a parent’s undivided attention. Explaining this is not possible doesn’t help.

 For more see Dr. Chapman and Dr. Campbell’s excellent book and ...

For more go to -  grandparentsteachtoo.blogspot.com and wnmufm.org/Learning Through the Seasons live Tuesdays at 4:30pm and Saturdays at 8:30 am and pod casts archived on the site.
Photos: Fran Darling, fdarling fotos

Making a Kid’s Indoor Golf Course

Preschool teachers have many good suggestions for making child care easier for parents and grandparents. They recommend alternating short active and quiet activities between meals, nutritious snacks, naps, and reading. Quiet activities are easy indoors, but active ones can be easy, also, when weather is inclement.  Almost any sport can be adapted for indoor play with recycled materials.
Indoor Mini Golf
  To make an indoor miniature golf course collect small boxes, plastic containers, small rugs, cardboard tubes and pieces, duct tape, paint stir sticks, cups, stuffed animals, and small balls.
  Conversation and planning together are so important while creating the obstacles for a miniature golf course. If children have never been to one, search on You Tube or Google images for miniature golf courses. Make a list of obstacles. Then think of ones you can create with materials around the house. If you make the obstacles in small modules they can be stored in a few bins and taken out again later.
Construction Plan
  Design your course together and make a map of your plan. You’re teaching children that a plan is needed whenever they do a project. Do children want a theme of princesses, teddy bears, Star Wars, or cars? What is the course’s name?
  Real miniature golf courses often have obstacles with an entry and an exit.  Children can choose boxes, decorate, and plan placement while adults cut the openings. An empty oatmeal cylinder makes a good tunnel.
  Courses often have ramps. These can be made with blocks or small boxes and a wide strip of cardboard or wood.  Look among the toys.  Perhaps children can make Lego or large block bridges and ramps. The construction time is another means to create time for family discussion and vocabulary building.
   Talk about gravity and ramp height. While making ramps, add cardboard and duct tape fences along the edges to keep the ball on the ramp. The toy box might also have plastic train parts that can be curved ramps for the ball.  Some ramps might lead to nowhere with a cup at the end.
  Stuffed animals, dolls, and action figures are excellent for guiding the ball’s path and decorating the course.  Each section can be named for a character.
  Courses also have rough areas. Use a rug and make small bumps. Stuff newspapers or small blankets under rugs or sheets to make the curves and hills. The difficulty can easily be adjusted.
  Golf clubs may be a small hockey stick or a paint stick with a rolled newspaper or cardboard attached with duct tape. Balls can be made from newspaper surrounded by tape.
The last step of playtime is cleaning up so toys can be found again.
Photo: Fran Darling; Sketch: Nowicki
More Ideas and Activities....See the authors’ book “Learning Through the Seasons” at area bookstores and grandparentsteachtoo.org. For more help to prepare young children for success in school see the authors’ web site: www.grandparentsteachtoo.org. Also check our audio Podcasts WNMU Radio 90; Youtube video activities; and join us on Pinterest

Positively Connecting with Children

How we communicate with children profoundly affects all aspects of their development. Learning to communicate -- to listen and respond with empathy -- is critical to parenting.
Verbal communication, the words we use to describe our thoughts, feelings and ideas, comes from the left side of our brain.  The nonverbal part of communication-- tone of voice, gestures, posture, facial expression, and eye movement -- comes from the brain’s right side. Usually the nonverbal communication, the right hemisphere, provides the emotional connection and understanding.

Focusing on all aspects of communication, especially the nonverbal, requires that we be fully present, listening and observing. Too often we have problems listening to our children because we are preoccupied with our own thoughts and feelings. That does not mean that we will be available all the time.  But most of the time, we will try. When we do focus on feelings, thoughts, and perceptions of others and ourselves, it allows us to look beyond surface behaviors to deeper levels of understanding. 

Right Approach

Understanding of feelings is at the core of empathic communication. Even though we may not fully understand what someone says or does, we can acknowledge the feelings underlying the communication. For example, fourteen-year-old Amanda comes home from school in a bad mood, stating she “hates” her science teacher and that she has too many “dumb” assignments. Resisting the urge to lecture, Amanda’s mother responds to the underlying feelings, “Sounds like it was a tough day and you have lots of work.” This approach works.
After slamming down her books, Amanda says, “I’ve got tons of work to do!” And she soon sits down and starts the homework.

Amanda’s mother might have taken the approval/disapproval approach, “It’s not the teacher’s fault.  Maybe you should have done some of this work….” This approach rarely works.

Feelings VS. Behavior

While feelings are always okay, behaviors may or may not be acceptable. It is crucial to understand the difference between feelings and actions. The two-year-old gets angry and hits. The three-year-old sees a ball in the street and runs to get it. The four-year-old wants some candy and cries.
When four-year-old Jacob hits his two-year-old brother, you accept his feelings of anger but do not approve of his actions. “If you’re angry at Jimmy, tell him why you’re angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”   The message the child needs to hear is:  What you feel is understandable. What you did was inappropriate.”

Positively connecting with children involves accepting feelings, recognizing underlying wishes and fears, and acknowledging ideas. This often requires “decoding” their messages. Although challenging, it is how we learn to understand children and build their sense of emotional well being.

Guest writers are Phyllis Stien, Mental Health Consultant/Child and Family Therapist,  co- author, of “Psychological Trauma and the Developing Brain” and Kay Kurz, Middle School Teacher.
 Photos: Fran Darling fdarling fotos 

More Ideas and Activities....See the authors’ book “Learning Through the Seasons” at area bookstores and grandparentsteachtoo.org. For more help to prepare young children for success in school see the authors’ web site: www.grandparentsteachtoo.org. Also check our audio Podcasts WNMU Radio 90; Youtube video activities; and join us on Pinterest