Giving Children Time Out and Time in

Expect It - Behaviors Are A Challenge

Expect it. Young children test grandparents’ limits and do behaviors that are dangerous or disruptive. They break rules set by the parents. Families may avoid some power struggles by giving children several simple choices, planning ahead, setting up rules and expectations, and practicing desired behavior.  Recognizing tired, hungry, or ill children helps, too.   Preschoolers are able to follow simple rules, respond to command, have self-control to wait for things they want, and deal with frustration from not getting their way, usually.

Misbehavior Happens

   There are many reasons for misbehavior though: jealousy, a feeling they are not getting enough positive attention, frustration, and stress according to child psychologists. When children misbehave, they will usually get a lot of attention even though it is negative. Pediatricians recommend to avoid yelling, hitting, and getting too worked up during episodes.  This increases negative attention and reinforces getting out of control and being aggressive toward others.

   Experts with their own children suggest walking away and breathing deeply. If in a public place, remove the child. It is usually not possible to reach a child in the 

Strategies and Consequences

midst of a full blown tantrum until everyone is calm.

 Improving Behavior

   Some strategies that can work to improve children’s behavior include allowing children to see the “natural consequences” of actions. If they throw a toy (against the safety rules) or break it, then they can't play with it.

   There are “logical consequences.” If they don't put toys away, the toys will have a “time out” and be unavailable for a reasonable time.

 There is “withholding privileges.” 

Activities children enjoy like playing Legos or watching their favorite show are taken away for a few days until children earn them back.

  Then there is “time out” of one minute for each year of age regulated by a timer. The “time out” is silence in a special place with no toys, not in their room, but where they can be observed and ignored. Everyone takes a break. Afterwards there is a gentle clear discussion of the broken rule, what went wrong, what expectations must be followed, and checking for understanding. 

  “Extinction” is another discipline technique that may work with a school age child. When a child misbehaves or is disruptive, the adult stops paying attention to the child. This approach is best for temper tantrums, frequent whining, or other disruptive type behaviors.

Firmness, Consistency and Calm

  Pediatricians stress to be firm, consistent, calm, use a normal volume, and loving manner. Talk about appropriate behavior when all are calm.  It’s only the behavior adults don’t like, not the child. 

  Family reward or token systems can also be effective in changing bad behaviors. Experts suggest writing down basic house rules on the refrigerator, sticking to them, and reviewing often. 

Photos: Fran Darling, fdarling fotos 

For “time in” activities see grandparentsteachtoo.blogspot.com and wnmufm.org/Learning through the Seasons.

Getting Along with Others in School

School Success Depends on Getting Along

One secret to success in school is getting along with others. Children who have experience with rules, being respectful, courteous, generous, and affable will have an easier time and be happier in school according to school psychologists.

  Adults can help children form these virtues by setting an example at home and helping children practice some basics.

  Words and Actions Matter

   Act polite and you’ll be polite.  Using words like “please, thank you, no thanks, and excuse me” with a kind voice set a tone of niceness and respect. Adults can help children use words to ask for help or express feelings. Teach the difference between telling an adult if something is not right, bullying, or unsafe and being a constant “tattle-tale.”  

Act Polite and You'll Be Polite

Practicing these suggestions around the home makes a difference but takes patience say psychologists.

  Use kind language. Give sincere compliments and express concern. Talk about how kindness makes others feel good and then they are more likely to be kind to you.  Adults may need to remind that some words kids hear are off limits and inappropriate in your family and at school.

  Help children practice listening silently when someone else is talking and looking at the person’s face. Adults can kneel or sit down to children’s height when talking with them to

Share and Tidy Up

 show how this is done.  Role play with stuffed animals or practice at mealtime and praise good listening.

   Greet and say “good-bye” to people.  Smile. Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic is a Dale Carnegie tip for a successful life.

Share and Tidy Up

   

You can start the sharing habit by asking your baby to share Cheerios. Little ones love this game.  Cut treats in half to share or share space on the couch. Ask others if they want a treat or a piece of paper while getting supplies. Let another person go first if there is a tie for first in line.  The water fountain will still be there.

  Participate in helping to pick up toys, clothes, 

Share and Tidy Up

and clearing the table.  Make it a game by singing a pick-up song, playing favorite music, or having a contest as a part of an established routine.  Point out when materials are picked up they are easier to find next time. This is known as a “kid reason.”

   Play games where taking turns is expected like cards and Candyland. Practice “now your turn” at meal time, 

while sharing crayons, or choosing a show.

Demonstrate Inside Behaviors...

Hang up clothing or backpacks. Make this easy by setting a good example and providing kid-friendly pegs and containers.

   Demonstrate and practice inside, outside, and whispering voices. There will be classmates who have not yet learned these virtues, but your kids can show them how it’s done.   

Photos: Fran Darling, fdarling fotos

For more science and math STEM adventures go to -  grandparentsteachtoo.blogspot.com and wnmufm.org/Learning Through the Seasons live Tuesdays at 4:30pm and Saturdays at 8:30 am and pod casts archived on the site.

Childcare: Who's in Charge?

  As midsummer inevitably arrives along with the back-to-school sales, thoughts turn to the classroom and whether or not the children are “ready” for school.  Adults wonder about the many issues that can derail the process of “readiness”.  Consider this example:

  Grandma was staying with four-year-old Theodore. When Grandma told him it was bedtime, his reaction was, “You are not the boss of me.” So the issue of family hierarchy intrudes into the blissful world of grand parenting. What relevance does the issue of “who’s in charge” have to do with helping children to be successful in school?

  Over the years family therapists have learned that healthy families function best when the hierarchy is the usual one with the parents in charge and the grandparents in an advisory role. Teachers also have found this hierarchy, with the teacher in charge, is the organization most likely to build a highly effective classroom environment.  When the roles are reversed and children are “in charge,” most of us know all too well that soon children will be “out of control.” Therapists know all too well how unhappy children are when they are “out of control”.  In fact, research has shown that when this role reversal exists, it is difficult, if not impossible, for children to feel nurtured and secure.

Clear Rules

  Most of us can remember seeing children in a store throwing tantrums in order to get a toy or a treat, and that sinking feeling when the adult “gives in”.  Likewise, imagine a classroom where behavioral expectations are neither clear, nor reinforced, and the teacher loses “control” of the class.  Highly effective classrooms, like highly effective families, start with establishing “who’s in charge.”  Establishing expectations, rules and routines, allow teachers, parents, and caregivers, to create healthy environments conducive to learning.

  Let’s get back to the example of Theodore challenging the authority of his grandmother.  One way to handle this situation might be to explain that “Yes, you’re right.   Mommy and Daddy are the “boss.”  But they told me that I am the “boss” while they’re gone, and you will tell me their rules and what you like to do at bedtime.” Typically, four-year-olds LOVE rules and are happy to tell you what they are!

  As teachers return to classrooms, they hope to find children who can adjust to expectations that are conducive to learning.  Generally, children who experience the hierarchy with parents and other caring adults in an EXECUTIVE role are better able to meet those expectations and more likely to feel successful in school.

  Guest writers are Kay Kurz, a middle school teacher of 25 years and Phyllis Stien, author, “Psychological Trauma and the Developing Brain: Neurologically based interventions for troubled children.”   She has over 30 years of experience as a child and family therapist, infant mental health and child development specialist, consultant, and educator, presenting training courses on the psychology and biology of child development, behavior problems, childhood disorders, and childhood maltreatment.

 Photos: Child Pushing Grandmother  http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Child_pushing_grandmother_on_plastic_tricycle.jpg

cscott2006 at http://flickr.com/photos/46242866@N00/5325050252

US Children_Story Time http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/11/Story_Time.jpg

daveparker at http://flickr.com/photos/92155448@N00/1299391810

More Ideas and Activities... See the authors’ book “Learning Through the Seasons” at area bookstores and grandparentsteachtoo.org. For more help to prepare young children for success in school see the authors’ web site: www.grandparentsteachtoo.org. Also check our audio Podcasts WNMU Radio 90; Youtube video activities; and join us on Pinterest.

More Gems for Social Learning

Dr. Kersey quotes J. L. Hymes, "Discipline is a slow, bit by bit, time-consuming task of helping children to see the sense in acting certain way."      Here are more selections to help you through...  Demonstrate Respect Principle - Treat the child the same way you treat other important people in your life - the way you want him to treat you - and others. (How would I want them to say that to me?) - Make a Big Deal Principle - Make a big deal over responsible, considerate, appropriate behavior - with attention (your eyeballs), thanks, praise, thumbs-up, recognition, hugs, special privileges, incentives (not food). - Incompatible Alternative Principle - Give the child something to do that is incompatible with the inappropriate behavior. "Help me pick out six oranges" (instead of running around the grocery store). - Choice Principle - Give the child two choices, both of which are positive and acceptable to you. "Would you rather tiptoe or hop upstairs to bed?" ("You choose or I'll choose.") - Timer Says it's Time Principle - Set a timer to help children make transitions. "When the timer goes off, you will need to put away your books." It is also a good idea to give the child a chance to choose how long he needs to pull himself together. "It's OK to be upset, how long do you need?" Then allow him to remove himself from the group and set the timer. You may offer the child a choice (and set the timer) when it's necessary for him to do something he doesn't want to do. "Do you want to pick up your toys/let Susan have the toy/take your bath in one minute or two?" - Allow Imperfection Principle - Don't demand perfection. Remember no one likes the "perfect" child, parent or teacher. With perfection as the goal, we are all losers. - Anticipation Principle - Think ahead about whether or not the child is capable of handling the situation. If not, don't take him (an expensive restaurant, long church services with out a special room, shopping, or movies). - Apology Principle - Apologize easily when you goof or "lose it." ("I wish I could erase what I just said." "You must have been scared by my reaction." "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "I was wrong." "I'm sorry.") Apologize for your child ("I'm sorry he knocked you down"), but don't make your child apologize. (You might be making him lie or think that wrong-doings can be rectified with an apology.) Babysitter Principle - Get one. More Ideas and Activities For more ways to encourage music and expend energy on long winter days see the authors’ book “Learning Through the Seasons” at area bookstores and grandparentsteachtoo.org. For more help to prepare young children for success in school see the authors’ web site www.grandparentsteachtoo.org. Also check our audio Podcasts WNMU Radio 90; Youtube video activities; and join us on Pinterest. Photos by Francine Darling, fdarling foto

Power of Positive Social Behavior

  Children who come to school with some experience of rules, kindness, and respectful behavior will have an easier time getting along and be happier in school. Adults can help children form good manners by setting an example at home and helping them practice some of the basics as they interact with others. Life will be easier at home too!   

Suggestions from Teachers

 Learning these social skills can be fun by using little routines and games.

1. Use the words “Please” and “Thank-you.” Besides setting the example, you may need use gentle reminders often.

2. Remind children to “use words to ask for help or express your feelings.”  Be sure you are listening patiently as this might take some time.

3. “Listen quietly when someone else is talking.”  Practice during conversations at mealtime.  Praise when someone is being a “good listener.”

4.  Participate in helping to pick up toys, craft materials, etc. or clearing the table.  Make it a game by singing a pick-up song, playing  favorite music, or having a little contest as a part of an established routine. Pick up together when you can. Point out that when materials are picked up they are easier to find next play time. This is known as a “kid reason” for doing something.

5.  Share willingly with others. You can start out by asking your baby for a bite of his food or one of the Cheerios. Little ones love this “game”.  Later talk about cutting treats in half to share or sharing space on the couch.

6.  Use an “inside voice” when playing in the house.  Demonstrate and PRACTICE the difference between inside, outside, and whispering voices.

7. Take turns with others. Try this with simple games where taking turns is expected (cards, Candyland, etc.). Practice “Now it is your turn.” at meal time, sharing crayons or choosing a TV  show.

9.  Use kind language with other people.  Talk about how kindness makes others feel good and they are more likely to help you.  Adults may need to make some words children hear  “off limits” as they are inappropriate in your family and at school.

11. Hang up your own clothing or backpack. Make this easy by setting a good example and providing pegs and containers kid-friendly.

12.  Don’t be a “tattle-tale” unless it is important for safety.

13. Use polite phone behavior when answering and saying good-bye.

14. Greet people and look at them.  Say “good-bye” in a friendly way.

  While adult modeling and PRACTICE are probably the best way for children to learn good social behavior, here are some library books  to help adult/child discussion:

“Little Blue Truck Leads the Way” by A. Schutle, “Please Say Please,” by Cuyler, the Berenstain Bear books, “You Are Friendly” by Snow.

Look for more activities like these online at Grandparents Teach, Too and at WNMU Public Radio Learning through the Seasons Podcasts 

Photo: Melinda. kids1.jpg. May 2003. Pics4Learning. 28 Apr 2013